Tuesday, 27 July 2010

My Ride-On Fantasy!

My imaginary boyfriend and I were today bemoaning the state of our incredibly overgrown lawn. After much imaginary discussion (in my head), we decided that the thing to do would be to employ an imaginary Groundskeeper, who could research possible solutions for us.

It didn't take long before Im.B/f and Im.G/m were off searching the Internet for lawn mowers. Why wasn't I surprised? Boys and their toys - hhrrumph!

Little did I realise the repercussions that this imaginary situation would bring.........
I had decided that this post would be in my "Lady of the Manor" author's voice. It was going to be great! - so laden with irony! (but I may step back into it, so I won't spoil the end...)
But then I went to surf for lawnmowers (my research is nothing if not thorough), and everything went pear shaped.
I Googled "lawn mowers", and then got a bit carried away.
I found it - the Ariens lawn mower page, and immediately my attention was caught by THIS model.... and quickly I realised I HAD TO HAVE ONE!!!
The style, the grace.... not only that, but the sheer poetry of the description! This was a ride-on lawn mower. And this was no ordinary ride-on mower... This was an  "Ariens 25hp, 54 in. cutting deck tractor" and was "for the ultimate weekend warrior." The ultimate weekend warrior! MeMeMeMeMe! I WANT one! I NEED one! They had me by the end of the sentence (ouch! nasty!), but there was more....."This ground engaging unit is ideal for large lots and four-season use, and is powered by a professional-grade Kohler Courage V-Twin engine." Superb! Not only that, but it has "a tight 16" turning circle" Phwor - I'm sweating just thinking about it! As Tim Allen (Tool Time, Home Improvement, for those of you who are either too young, too halfhearted a fan, or who have had a complete humor bypass) would say "I. WANT. MORE. POWER! WOGH WOGH!". If Carlsberg was a ground engaging unit, this is the ground engaging unit it would be.
Tim Allen

AND it had "Free blades ..... for life"!. Mind you, at a cool $1,784, free blades has a negligible excitement factor, I mean, really.
Anyway, limiting myself to (virtually) loading only one of these beauties in my shopping trolley (well, it's not like I'd have to put it back, is it?), I returned to the listings page, where the "most popular listings" box caught my attention. Reading down the list, I saw "Bullfrog protector". Bullfrog protector - huh? What was that? An eco-friendly garden fence for wildlife lovers who wanted to save their little cold-skinned friends, possibly? Nope, it was a slightly misleading search term someone had used. It was actually Bullfrog Sunblock. Ahh! Sunblock for bullfrogs. That made so much more sense! "Surfer Formula". Who knew that bullfrogs could surf? (It's true, you know, that you learn something new every day.) Sunblock would actually be pretty handy for when Im.B/f was cutting the North lawn (just for his own fun, mind you, we've got other imaginary servants who would do the actual mowing, sorry, ground engaging with the cutting deck tractor). I put a bottle of it into my trolley, and went to investigate a....
A bullfrog (dunno his/her name)
One shoulder dress.
Which, in my mind, should have been a dress for women unlucky enough only to have one shoulder (genetic mishap? car accident? freak accident while riding shotgun on the new Ariens ground engaging machine?). It wasn't. But it did lead me to the paparazzi dress, which, before you ask, wasn't made of photographers, or even paper (although very reasonably priced). Boooo! Another disappointment. At this point, Im.B/f tried to interrupt my online investigations to ask me if I wanted a cocktail. I told him not to joke around. Of course I wanted a cocktail (the sun was well over the yardarm, why was he even asking?), Martini is my only reason for getting up every afternoon! He dithered around until I noticed he was ogling the model in the skintight (95%cotton, 5%spandex) lurid-yet-somehow-attractive-yellow paparazzi dress. He left rather quickly after that. I shoved a metro style one shoulder jumpsuit (in sexy black) in to my trolley. It was perfect outfit for me to wear for our garden party, which I had just decided would be an excellent way to celebrate our new-look lawn!
But my attention had been interrupted, and I began to wonder, as I often do, where the hell was I? How had I got to this site? I hadn't even been paying attention to what country this site belonged to, I had been so carried away by the sheer variety of... of... stuff! Random, completely unrelated ......stuff! I don't normally like window shopping, but I was sitting down (by now with an imaginary double martini in my hand), so no actual physical exercise was called for. The penny dropped, this site was a bit like eBay, but without the.... deflatedness which somehow marks out a UK site, this was altogether more bright and... optimistic. Was it an Aussie site - bullfrogs, surfers and sunblock? Finding the route to the homepage, it dawned on me that this was an aspirational lifestyle shopping and comparison discovery site. With Powershopping! In other words, this wasn't just any aspirational shopping site, this was the aspirational shopping site. And I had discovered it.....the Mother load of shopping site. If Carlsberg was an online shopping site, this is the site it would be (SFX: a heavenly chorus sing "Allelujah, allelujah" etc.).
Looking at my newly acquired imaginary Ladies Rolex, I realised my glass was, once more, empty. Turning around in my seat, I realised that Im.B/f and Im.G/m weren't empty. They were full. Of Martini's. They wee also lying horizontal and unconscious on the floor of the library. On the Persian rug (it just so ties the room together, to paraphrase The Dude).
I sacked the imaginary Groundsman on the spot. Got the imaginary B/f off to bed (what? - I'm not gonna sack him - he's too good to let go!), and went to brush my teeth, wondering what exactly the jail term is for signing-up for a credit card online, then immediately charging several thousand pounds worth of ride-on mower (sorry, birthday present for the ultimate weekend warrior) to it?
I had got a tad carried away with the whole "Lady of the Manor" scenario.
And with shopping on the ultimate mother site of aspirational shopping discovery and comparison.
And is was possibly not my best idea to announce on Face book that Im.B/f and I were having a Garden Party. Especially not with a time, date and open invite attached.
Particularly not when you see what my actual North lawn looks like........
Oh well, gotta go. Looks like I'm going to have a bit of a busy day tomorrow.
(I knew I shouldn't have sacked the imaginary butler last week.)
Toodle Pip!
The North Lawn (!!!)

P.S. Hi Mark T., thanks for "best answer" vote - hope you keep reading!

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