Freaky Trees

During a brief interlude at the weekend when I had actually managed to prise myself away from my computer, I read an article in The Sunday Post (Scotland's newspaper of choice, apparently), about Ghostly Trees.
Unfortunately, The Sunday Post is yet to enter the 21st century, so I cannot give you a link to the story as I originally read it, but here's the story as reported by the

Now, I can understand the general story, and the details of the story, but what I can't understand is why no puns? Here we find yet another example of good, accurate reporting being completely undermined by the lack of puns in a story that was crying out for them! Although the moths are a potential threat to the trees they cover, no-one has actually been hurt, no fatalities have ensued, so including puns in the story would not even have been distasteful.

In fact, I wonder how anyone could have written such a story without even accidentally including a pun or two. It was a story about trees. Anyone can join in with puns on a story about trees. It's almost against the law not to do puns about trees. Trees are possibly the most punnable subject on the planet.

This is my version of the story. Please note, I resisted the urge to include caterpillar puns as well (okay, there's a one in the last paragraph, but it was crying out to be made!):

If Yew Go Down to the Woods Today

Residents of Trumpton Town were recently shocked to discover a nasty surprise awaiting them in the local cemetery. Trees had been covered in a web-like substance, giving them the effect of "ghost" trees.

 Local resident Bod explained "A group of us went down to the wood, intending to spruce the place up a bit. When we saw the cobwebs, we just thought it was local youths being knotty for a joke, or some poor sap, doing it for no resin at all. But it was so extensive, that we all agreed it was a police matter, so we reported it."

Local Police Chief Plod said "When the complaint was initially logged, we didn't take it seriously. We thought it was some nut creating a beech of the peace. But then we saw it for ourselves and realised it was too much of a (monkey) puzzle for us. It was scary - like something from a pulp fiction story. Who wood do such a thing? It obviously  wasn't a local person who had done this - any local knows that they woodland up in prison for defacing trees. We were baffled, out on a limb with this case. It had us completely stumped." He continued "We wanted to call in Inspector Moss, 'cos he's good. Turns out he's retired though, so we called in Special Branch, thinking that we could trust them to get to the root of this problem. SB have a big caseload, but we were confident that they'd get a rowand to our case fairly quickly."

Special Branch Inspector Woodentop picked up the story "It was clear to us from the outset that the local police had done their best, but were barking up the wrong tree. Having an objective overview, we at SB were able to see the wood for the trees. We always stick to the facts and, after extensive pruning of the deadwood, we had whittled the list of possible causes down considerably. It was at this point that we twigged - this wasn't a "Twilight fan" pining for Gothic atmosphere, or even an attention-seeking fruit. This work was not even done by humans. This was a chrysalis crises."

A call to the Wildlife trust confirmed that moths were to blame for the webs. The trees themselves were arbouring the culprits.

Local resident Bod said "It's a relief to have it explained. Now we know it's not a mystery - it's a moth's t-ree." When asked what he felt about the danger of damage to the trees, Bod concluded "Well, you know what they say - Live fast, die young, and leaf a good looking copse!". 

Come on then - what puns have I missed? Let's have them in the comments section.

BBC, the Daily Mail and the Cumberland News. The summary of the story is that moths have been rife in certain areas of Scotland and England, weaving webs over entire trees, the overall effect making the trees look white. So far so good.