How To Wear A Kilt

It has recently come to my attention that some of my male readership do not believe they are capable of wearing a Kilt. I think that this is a lamentable state of affairs, as the Kilt is one of the single most sexy pieces of apparel on the face of the planet. No matter if you're Scottish or not, no matter how tall, short, stout, skinny you, or your legs are, if you know the basics of how to wear it, a Kilt will draw women to you, like flies to sheep droppings!

So, for the benefit of men the world over who don't believe they can wear one, here is my guide on how to wear a Kilt:

How To Wear A Kilt - the Definitive 3-Step Guide

The Kilt - a Brief Introduction:

The kilt is a garment that has a long, and sometimes bloody, history. It began life as a cloak-cum-blanket (History of the Kilt - Wikipedia link), worn to protect the bearer from the harsh elements, and transcended to become a symbol of freedom of the Scots from the oppression and cruel degradation suffered at the hands of the English, during a time known as "The Clearances" when the English outlawed the wearing of Tartan by the Scots in an attempt to kill the spirits of the Scots...... utterly.

Part of the reason why the Scots were so outraged by the banning of the Tartan, was that the colours and patterns of each tartan (or "plaid") were unique to each Clan (or family), as unique as the Clan their surnames. The design allowed clan members to recognise friends and foe from a distance. So the English, in banning the Tartan, and putting to death anyone who disobeyed this law, were seen as trying to take the very names, the identities, of the Scots Clans, from them (which, in fact, was exactly the idea).

[steps down from lectern......] 

Annnywaaaayyy....

(Off to a good start for a humour post, eh folks!

Keep reading - it can only get better...you hope!)

1/. STYLE & FIT 

Question: What do you want to wear it to?

Is it to a special occasion, like a wedding or a funeral?

Is it to a sporting occasion (football, rugby, basketball (??? - you never know), or an outdoor pursuit like huntin', shootin', fishin'? (NB skiing in a kilt is not recommended for a variety of H&S reasons)

Is it for a bet?

Is it because you're mother wants you to?

Answer: To Your knees, of course (you stupid laddie!).
It doesn't matter what the occasion, you can find a kilt style to suit AS LONG AS YOU FOLLOW KILT GOLDEN RULE NUMBER 1 - MAKE SURE IT FITS YOU!
To test whether the kilt fits you or not, when trying it on (flat bit to the front, pleats to the back, by the way), kneel down on the floor. The waistband of the kilt should hug your waist, and the cloth should just be touching the floor. Any shorter is a mini-skirt, any longer is a blanket!

Here are some examples of Kilt wearing:

Cute boy wearing a kilt.

Cute boy wearing a kilt!

Liam Neeson doing it for a film.....

Ewan McGregor (Scots actor, btw)
wearing it to accept an award for a film (probably).

Proof that the Kilt is a babe magnet - literally!
(or mebbe it's Ewan whose the magnet???)

Kilts worn casually...

Kilts worn casually....

Kilt worn casually.....
Oh no! It's a towel, but worn like a kilt!
However did that pic get in there?!

Some guys trying to look cool in kilts...
BUT LOOK AT THE LENGTH!!!
SLIGHTLY TOO LONG makes all the difference!
Good under other circumstances (phnar phnar!)
but just plain WRONG if a kilt!

Some nutter wearing a kilt for surfing (???)
(I think he's actually using the surfboard as a caber!)
(as in "tossing the caber" - for the uninitiated,
a Scottish traditional show of strength
involving throwing a length of felled tree - the caber -
usually performed at Highland Games contests,
not on a beach!)

2/. ACCESSORIES

 

Kilt wearing can allow for a wide range of accessories. But the one accessory to avoid when wearing a Kilt is..............underwear! The number one reason why most women the world over are attracted to a man wearing a Kilt (and he's getting a wee bit nervous with all that female attention!) is because they are wondering if the man wearing the Kilt is wearing anything else underneath! The answer to this should always be.......NO! This is KILT GOLDEN RULE NUMBER 2 - PANTS ARE PANTS ! (Scots > English "pants" = rubbish)

Some examples of Kilt accessory choice: 

How you would see a Kilt worn for an event

such as a Highland Games

(note: in a field, not on a beach!),

this time with a sword to accessorise.

Not entirely sure what I think of this one -

another example of a sword being used as

an accessory, but this time held in a

rather suggestive manner....

by a man in a pink pullover.....

Hmmmmm...I'm confused.

 Pints of beer as accessories!

No accessories!

Bagpipes as accessories!

(you can just see them if you squint, phnar phnar!)

3/. WHO CAN WEAR A KILT?

I've heard it said that you have to be Scottish to wear a Kilt. Often, I've heard it given as a excuse not to wear the Kilt. Generally, this excuse comes from Englishmen, who are showing their pansie-ness, or young Scots guys WHO DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE MISSING OUT ON re: the babe magnetibility of the Kilt! Now, there is an ongoing debate amongst Scots, male and female alike, as to who should be allowed to wear the Kilt, the traditional garb of Scotland. Personally, I'm happy for guys of any country to wear the Kilt. As long as they wear it with a sense of pride. The one thing that kills the sexiness of a Kilt stone dead, is when the guy wearing it looks self-conscious. This tends to happen when they choose to wear pants underneath, as it just feels silly then. Go commando =  you're a MAN and you KNOW IT! KILT GOLDEN RULE NUMBER 3 - ANYONE CAN WEAR A KILT, AS LONG AS IT'S WORN WITH CONFIDENCE!

Some guy (American footballer mebbe?)

(answer in comments please!)

Samuel L. - King of Cool

Gerard Butler  (another Scots actor)

Geeky student.....

Some skinny guy, whose probably a fashion designer,
and probably French.
If he can wear it.......

HERE ARE SOME EXAMPLES OF KILT "DON'TS" (WARNING: CONTAINS SOME PICS OF AN UPSETTING NATURE):

Noooo....do I really need to explain why?

Health & Safety reflective kilts...
what - are they dangerous or something?

Noooo..... that's a TENNIS SKIRT you moron!

NOOOOOOOO! (not even in fun!)

NO! Please make it STOP!

CONCLUSION:

Any guy, of any shape, and any nationality can wear a kilt, as long as he follows the three golden rules:

1/. MAKE SURE IT FITS YOU! - kneelength is right, longer or shorter is wrong!

2/. PANTS ARE PANTS! - just go on an' no' wear them!

3/. ANY GUY CAN WEAR A KILT - AS LONG AS HE DOES IT WITH CONFIDENCE!

(a nice, cheeky smile helps as well!)

AND FINALLY, here's a wee joke for my blogger pals, Ilikecheese and Big Andrew.......