Monday, 16 August 2010

The Klingons Are Coming

It's true - I read it in The Trumpton Times, so it must be true. The Klingons are coming! They're coming to take over planet earth 'cos we're messing things up. Fair enough, seems a good reason to me. But they're planning to make their base camp in.........(wait for it)........(a little longer)........(are you getting impatient yet?).....(SFX: drum roll)...... THE SCOTTISH BORDERS!!! That's fairly near me, in fact, that's exactly where I live (for those of you who haven't been paying attention)!


So my inkling that something alien was afoot, as I described in my previous post The Phantom Ice Cream Van, was correct!

It's true. I thought at first that our local joke newspaper had got it wrong, and then I Googled it, and saw that other newspapers including The Daily Record, The Scotsman on Sunday, Portsmouth Today (???), and the Ilkestone Advertiser (huh? where's Ilkestone? - anybody???) had reported it. I felt a slight pride that the nationals had picked up on the Trumpton Times story, until I looked at the dates and realised that it was, in fact, the other way around - the Trumpton Times had picked it up from the nationals. Typical that our local fish and chip wrapper source of "news" is actually giving us "olds"! Aaannnyywayyyyyy..... back to the plot....
 According to these reports, they've left an inscription on a rock in a forest, here in the Scottish Borders. The inscription reads:

"Due to bad management by its current inhabitants, the Klingon Empire claims the right to take this planet for the benefit of the greater universe.

This rock is an official legally binding claim marker. We'll be arriving soon, your future is assured."

Mind you, the fanatics (and I use the word advisedly) over at have an issue with  both the spelling and the grammar of the translation to English of the message, but I'm guessing the general gist of the message stays the same. (I'm also left wondering about where these fans' priorities lie - if someone came up to them and said "I'm gonna pick a fight with you, and I'm gonna smash your face in", would they retaliate by saying "I think you'll find that the correct grammar is "I'm going to smash your face in"? They're missing the point, a bit) [at this point, readers, I'm going to skillfully gloss over the fact that I picked a fight with Cheeseman 'cos of his spelling, but that's a whole other issue, and I refuse to refer to him in any of my posts, thereby getting you all to rush over to his blog, until he draws another insulting cartoon about me and returns some traffic my way, dammit!].

A Klingon (probably a famous one)
(Trekkies, please inform me in comments section)
(And I'll pretend to care)

Anyway, as I was saying about the upcoming Klingon Invasion of Earth before I so rudely interrupted myself, fair play to them, after all we have messed up the planet. And I suppose that, if I were an alien life force looking to invade planet Earth, it would only take a little bit of research to realise that Scotland is the most obvious place to invade. That's because we're so experienced in being the brave and courageous, but ultimately defeated, underdogs.

So I've been considering the prospect of Klingons as neighbours, and how this would affect Trumpton.

Gangs of Klingon teenagers hanging out at the main Trumpton bus stop (in a shelter with seats) on a Friday/Saturday night 'cos they've nothing better to do? Well, that happens anyway, when the kids from Chigley and Cambelwick Green (a much smaller town, and a village a few miles from us) come up the road to the bright lights of Trumpton, looking for a bit excitement (e.g. a fight) at the weekend. No real difference there, then. At least we wouldn't understand any sweary words the Klingon teenagers may shout in abuse to one another, innocent passers by, or the world in general.

What about the adult Klingons though? Would they take over The Barrel (the local pick-up bar), to sing Klingon Karaoke favourites? Again, I don't know if we'd really notice that much difference.

And, if romance happened to blossom between a local human and a Klingon Rib Head, would we be bothered about an inter-species relationship? Nah, we're a pretty easygoing lot here. Apart from the fact that anyone who can't count their family as hailing from this particular town for at least five generations is counted as an "incomer", (referring to most of the current population), and at least it's racism of such an extreme and specific type that I don't think it really matters. The local human and the Klingon would be equally despised as both would be counted as newcomers in this situation (I've lived here for ten years, was born 21 miles up the road, and I'm classed as a newcomer, by the way - as long as it doesn't interfere with my drinking, which it doesn't - only cash flow to alcohol conversion interferes with that, it doesn't bother me).
Klingon totty?

The local police might have an issue with the Klingons carrying offensive weapons. They issued a warning to a friend of mine last year 'cos he was carrying a shinty stick (a bit like a long-headed hockey stick, but for a game that is not only violent, but seriously insane). He explained to the police that, before he moved to Trumpton, he was on the National shinty team for Scotland, and was just keeping his hand in. They wouldn't back down, and suggested he drive to the playing field with the shinty stick. He said he didn't want to drive - it was only a five minute walk from his home, and would be a waste of petrol. Seeing as my friend is of Viking proportions (much bigger than any two Trumpton policemen put together!), and realising that he wasn't going to back down, the officers in question gave him a warning, and told him to put a cover on the shinty stick in future - PUT A COVER ON IT? Like THAT'S gonna make it less dangerous!

All in all, I'm guessing that the local police will be keeping a very low profile when the Klingons arrive, especially if they're carrying any kind of stick thing (which I know they do, having watched Star Trek and seen Whatsisname with one).

Just because I found it.

In fact, the police are far more likely to feel the impact of a Klingon invasion through their eating habits. No more sandwich shops or Chippies for the police to get their five-times-per-shift snacks from. Oh no! I predict that these establishments will all change their menus to reflect the tastes of their new Rib Head clientele. It's going to be bowls of live worms (and whatever else the Klingons eat, but that's all I've seen them eat on StarTrek - bowls of live wriggly things - possibly a nice fan from TrekMovie will leave an enlightening comment for me on this subject - one can only live in hope) all the way for any would be snacker in Trumpton!

Things will change for sure, though, when the Star Trek crew come to save us. I'm really looking forward to that!

Us humans will be able to recognise the Star trek ground crew immediately, because they always wear 1940's gangster style suits whenever they make a visit to Earth In The Past. We'll have to pretend not to notice them, until the point where a few, brave but rebellious one's of us are left as the Resistance Movement. Then we can impress them with the secret hideout we've organised, full of broken and discarded equipment, which just happens to include something crucial to their ability to save the future of mankind [note to self: must organise secret hideout and piece of equipment crucial to saving the future of humanity - put on "to do" list for tomorrow].

Us Scots like the Star Trek crew.

What the Scotty statue in
Linlithgow doesn't
look like.
In fact, we built a statue to one of the crew members, in Linlithgo. (It's true, but I couldn't find a picture of it)

Can you guess which one, readers?

And we especially like Captain Jean Luke Picard, because he's a fellow Scot. What? You didn't know that? Well, I'm glad to do as much as I can to spread this ruomour have enlightened you.

Once the Star Trek crew have sorted out the Klingons, and sent them home with their tails between their legs (do Klingons have tails? can't recall), Captain JL Picard (known to me as captain McSexy) realising that Trumpton is his favourite place in the entire Universe, not least because he's become infatuated with a certain lady blogger, whose mixture of humour, wit and imagination he finds irresistible, will decide to settle down for good.

And we'll live happily until he's called away to do the next Star Trek film. 

(By this time I'll have decided that he's aged quite a bit since I last saw him on telly, and I'll have realised that he doesn't share my infantile sense of humour - he only gets Shakespeare jokes.)
Suits me. It'll give me a chance to get back to my blogging.

After all, I know how much you, my  institutionalised captivated readers, would miss me.

Wouldn't you.

Wouldn't you?

There must still be one of you reading.......?


I knew I shouldn't have given a link to that TrekMovie site. You've all gone over there to laugh at them, haven't you?

His surname may be Stewart, but he
canna wear ra kilt!


Anonymous said...

Klingons and Scots. Not good. They would probably join forces and take over the world.

I don't have the knees to wear a kilt.

Brand New Day said...

DS - yup. you're probably right (unless we stole the hubcaps off their spaceships first)!

See my post "How to Wear a Kilt" above.

Kissmyarts said...

All we need now is James T. Kirk and the original USS Enterprise, OR a maxi-pack of Andrex Toilet Tissue, because, as we all know, they both get rid of Klingons...
Do you realise that the last time I got to tell that joke I was in primary school? Thatnks for the perfect lead-in!