Friday, 27 August 2010

Feelgood Friday #7

G'day cobbers! How ya goin'?

This week was my attempt at a  philosophy-themed week.

Monday's entry, A Philosophical Post (too long and complicated to be described in this post), provoked mixed reactions, varying from one extreme  - "Wanted a lie-in, did you?" (regular reader), to the other end of the spectrum - "Absolute Genius" (The Times Online).

The next philosophical entry (or exit, depending on one's vantage point!), Le Petomane, received overwhelming critical acclaim and so much attention from the international community of philosophers, that I had little time spare to do anything except answer the 'phone (which was constantly ringing off the hook) in between giving interviews to TV, radio and other assorted media. The London School of Economics has asked me to do an opinion piece for them about the increase in employment opportunities for "Fartistes" as a direct result of my post, which highlighted this little-known (and vastly under-rated) specialist industry. My imaginary literary agent has been ecstatic, and wanted me to accept an offer of Honorary Dean at Edinburgh University, but I declined, as it would leave me little time for blogging, and I didn't want to let down the little people (you lot), who I consider to have been a constant encouragement to me over the long haul of, what is it now? - seven, mebbe even eight weeks?

I have noted, however, that my philosophical musings have encouraged some otherwise rather shy readers (you know who you are, Doug) to come out of the comments closet, as it were, to offer a serious and well considered responses to my original question on Monday. I hope you now realise that this was a mistake, waste of time a much appreciated attempt to move the discussion forward in a positive and interesting manner (!). I'll look out for your future comments so that I can ignore them, give a sarcastic reply be sure to highlight your contribution to other readers.

I also noticed that we have some readers tuning in from Australia (thus the "G'day" intro), which surprised me a little as 1/. I have no relatives or friends there who know about this blog, and 2/. can't think of any insults references to Australia/Australians in my postings so far. If you're still here, please let yourself be known, and I will endeavour to make you feel included (in other words, I dare you to raise your heads above the parapet, so I can take a potshot! - go on, it'll be fun!!!).

And so I come to the end of this post, all that is left to do is insert the cartoon, and give you a teaser for some of next weeks planned posts on the frighteningly popular "Life In A Scots Sitting Room" (changed my mind about giving you the teaser - after all this media exposure, I'm getting paranoid that someone's gonna steal one of my ideas for what have become my massively successful posts, so just going to tell you to come back next week).

But, before the cartoon, I will leave you with one of the last, big philosophical questions, yet to be answered, of our time. You may muse on it over the weekend.

What's it all about, Alfie?

Alternatively, you could decide that you couldn't give a Castlemaine 4 X, and go get drunk instead!


PS This one's for the Aussies, as I happen to know that they're in a different timezone, so it could well be Easter there (!).

Wednesday, 25 August 2010

Le Petomane

Hellooo Readers! Were you surprised by how short my post was on Monday (I was!)?

It wasn't planned, but I quite enjoyed the fact that last week's blog had a kind of theme going on... you know, it began with aliens in ice cream vans, peaked with kilts, and ended with aliens in kilts! It had a nice symmetry to it, dontcha think?

But I've been busy since then.....

The eagle-eyed among you will have already noticed that I have added a Blogroll (Oooooo - excitin'!) (down on the right ....- no, lower, ......lower still), so that you can visit some of my mad, not quite so mad, and positively unclassifiable blogging friends (don't any of you dare come back and tell me they're funnier than me (even though they all are (except Cheeseface))!).

And... I made my first Squidoo Lens. A lens is "a stand alone web page which can be used for a variety of purposes, including driving traffic to your blog". Now, regular readers will know that I'm rubbish at doing the most basic of computer-technically things. My first Squidoo lens is no exception. The title of a lens is the single most important thing about it, as it should clearly indicate what the lens is about. I called mine "Car-crash Lens Building at Squidoo". I think that it gives you all an indication on what level of skill I'm working up from. Go and have a look if you want (it's not really worth it!). I will get better at them, though!

As if that's not enough, I also managed to start a pseudo-feud with the gals over at the Gerry Butler mad-fan site (- result!)! I've joined their site so that I can heckle them on their own virtual turf (they're good sports that way!).

Anyway, I thought I'd actually plan a themed week this week. By planning I mean thinking about it, and then  telling you lot  announcing that it's going to happen. There is no actual planning as such, involved in this process. Therefor I have unanimously decided amongst myself, that this shall be PHILOSOPHY week here on Life In a Scots Sitting Room.

Monday's post was a Philosophical question - Is Fait Accompli? Doug, one of my newest, yet most dedicated followers, was stupid enough kind enough to take the bait rise to the challenge, and he left a deep, yet profoundly meaningless comment.

So, with fresh new follower Doug firmly in mind, I offer you, in this Philosophically themed post, a question to ponder:

Le Petomane -
Did He Have
The Most Ludicrous Job Ever
In the Entire History of Jobs?

Le Pétomane ( /ləˈpɛtəmeɪn/, French pronunciation: [ləpetɔˈman]) was the stage name of the French flatulist (professional farter) and entertainer Joseph Pujol (June 1, 1857 - 1945). He was famous for his remarkable control of the abdominal muscles, which enabled him to fart at will. His stage name combines the French verb péter, "to fart" with the -mane, "-maniac" suffix, which translates to "fartomaniac". The profession is also referred to as "flatulist", "farteur", or "fartiste".[1]

It is a common misconception to state that Joseph Pujol actually farted as part of his stage performance. Farting implies the release through the anus of intestinal gases. Pujol was "gifted" in the sense that he was able to inhale air into his rectum and then control the release of that air using his sphincter muscles (avoiding any associated odour). Evidence of his ability to control those muscles can be seen in the early accounts of demonstrations of his abilities to fellow soldiers.

Check this guy out!!!..... he earned his living from being a "Fartiste"! I love it!

And how, exactly, is this meant to be Philosophical? I hear you ask (there are a few more of you now, getting louder - if you all stand closer together, you might even manage "rowdy mob crowd bystanders clique couple" sound effects!).

Well, stands to reason. "Philosophy" means to wonder about things (ok, rough translation, but gets the gist across). This guy is one of the things I wonder about on a relatively frequent basis (this is true....  very sad, but the true nonetheless). What a fabulously bizarre way to earn a living!!! {shakes head disbelievingly}. That's pretty much as far as I get before my mind wanders onto other mad ways people have earned a living, and that's me lost for the rest of the day.

I don't think nearly enough people know about Monsieur Le Petomane and his, shall we say, niche talent. I think he should be celebrated for his contribution to the world, and hailed from the rooftops as a shining example of where your life can take you, and how ridiculous the journey can often be.

"When one ponders upon the deeper meanings of Life, the Universe and Everything, one must inevitably consider the mundane, but one must never loose sight of the spectacular exception!"

"Who'da thunkitt?"
[Also Me]

Monday, 23 August 2010

Friday, 20 August 2010

Feelgood Friday #6

Hello to Feelgood Friday, our visual joke only, no blabbing rubbish from me, day! (Well, you can all only live in hope! day it might actually happen, and the five of you will be left feeling bereft and abandoned!)

I began this week with the shock announcement that the Klingons are planning to invade Scotland (oh yeah, and the rest of planet Earth, too), in my post The Klingons are Coming, at the end of which, I had placed a photo of Patrick Stewart (or J.L., as he likes me to refer to him) wearing a kilt. I got a comment from a new follower about the kilt pic., so I decided to enlighten him as to the "babe magnet" potential of the kilt in my post How to Wear a Kilt. During my research for which, I made the amazing discovery that kilts are possibly the one thing that will bring Earthlings and alien beings together to live in peace and harmony - Kilts: Could They Save the Known Universe?, a post that had a nice symmetry about it and kinda brought the whole week together, I thought.

I didn't learn any new computer tricks (a.k.a. basics that I actually need to know in order to do stuff). Instead, I spent my time having ridiculously funny chats with fellow bloggers, making new friends, and almost starting a fisticuffs fight! Excellent week for me then - job done (except the learning stuff part)!

I did notice that I seemed to have several new fans reading from Italy. Italy??? But I haven't even started fighting with the Italians (they'd surrender too quickly - ouch! did I write that out loud? That's just the type of careless comment that starts a fight........!). Some research revealed that they were coming from a Gerard Butler mad-fan site. One of them had clocked my pic of him in the How to Wear a Kilt post. He was the one in the pink jumper. The one where I couldn't decide whether or not he looked like a pansy-boy (no offence to any pink readers, it's a term of endearment, really!). His mad-fans seem to have been taken aback by the fact that I was "confused" by his choice of jumper colour (fine in Italy, still a bit suspect in Scotland), and his holding the sword in what can only be described as a phallic manner, and they actually slagged me off in their chat forum!!! How very dare they?

 It got me quite a few page hits though. Which is why I'm now going to place another photo of him............

Gerard Butler fights like a girl.

.........and one of another Scottish actor, Dougray Scott, who I think is much better looking than Gerard Butler, AND a more talented actor...............nyah nyah nyah! (may as well see if there are any Dougray Scott mad-fan sites who find this!)

Dougray Scott - far more handsome and talented than Gerard Butler.

And, just in case that's not enough to draw them out, I'm going to put my new-found hyper-link-tag-thingy skill to use, and I'm gonna tag this post "Gerard Butler"............that should [polite cough] irritate them!

Apologies for so much talk on Feelgood Friday visual joke only day, but then I'm sure you, dear readers, understand that I couldn't resist the temptation!

Okay, here's the cartoon now!


Thursday, 19 August 2010

Kilts: Could They Save the Known Universe?

Whilst researching yesterday's post How To Wear A Kilt, I discovered something that struck me as rather odd. Rather a lot of Time Lords (of UK tv's "Dr Who" fame) wear the kilt (or at least some form of tartan which, for the purposes of tenuous connections leading to outrageous conclusions, will do me)!

See for yourself.........

Patrick Troughton clearly wearing tartan trousers....

.....but his mate wears a black and white kilt (!).

Jon Pertwee wears an Inverness cape.

Tom Baker wears full regalia (okay, probably NOT a Dr Who scene...)

Colin Baker wears a tartan coat and baaaaad hairstyle!

Sylvester McCoy wears a tartan scarf and hatband combo.

David Tennant tells it like it is!

Couldn't find Matt Smith wearing anything tartan...
so, here's his assistant Karen Gillen
 (who's from Edinburgh, my home town, by the way!)
wearing a shirt that is definitely tartan!

Yes, I know that he's John Barrowman, which is Torchwood,
not Dr Who, but it's close enough for me!

And then I saw this..........

......a very obviously doctored photo (geddit?)!

And it made me do some more research.

Whereupon I found this......

And this.....!

Which obviously led me to this.....

All this evidence (which is clearly real and factual) can only lead me to one conclusion, and that is that.......

[SFX drum roll..........are you ready for the grand reveal?........ sure you're ready?............'s pretty mind blowing stuff, do you want to get a nice cup of tea and prepare yourself first?..................

.............everybody ready....................???.....................

..............okay, here goes.....................................

...................... the BIG announcement...............(it's gonna change your life for sure)..........





(anything butt, hahaha!)



Wednesday, 18 August 2010

How To Wear A Kilt

It has recently come to my attention that some of my male readership do not believe they are capable of wearing a Kilt. I think that this is a lamentable state of affairs, as the Kilt is one of the single most sexy pieces of apparel on the face of the planet. No matter if you're Scottish or not, no matter how tall, short, stout, skinny you, or your legs are, if you know the basics of how to wear it, a Kilt will draw women to you, like flies to sheep droppings!

So, for the benefit of men the world over who don't believe they can wear one, here is my guide on how to wear a Kilt:

How To Wear A Kilt - the Definitive 3-Step Guide

The Kilt - a Brief Introduction:
The kilt is a garment that has a long, and sometimes bloody, history. It began life as a cloak-cum-blanket (History of the Kilt - Wikipedia link), worn to protect the bearer from the harsh elements, and transcended to become a symbol of freedom of the Scots from the oppression and cruel degradation suffered at the hands of the English, during a time known as "The Clearances" when the English outlawed the wearing of Tartan by the Scots in an attempt to kill the spirits of the Scots...... utterly.

Part of the reason why the Scots were so outraged by the banning of the Tartan, was that the colours and patterns of each tartan (or "plaid") were unique to each Clan (or family), as unique as the Clan their surnames. The design allowed clan members to recognise friends and foe from a distance. So the English, in banning the Tartan, and putting to death anyone who disobeyed this law, were seen as trying to take the very names, the identities, of the Scots Clans, from them (which, in fact, was exactly the idea).

[steps down from lectern......] 

(Off to a good start for a humour post, eh folks!
Keep reading - it can only get hope!)

1/. STYLE & FIT 

Question: What do you want to wear it to?
Is it to a special occasion, like a wedding or a funeral?
Is it to a sporting occasion (football, rugby, basketball (??? - you never know), or an outdoor pursuit like huntin', shootin', fishin'? (NB skiing in a kilt is not recommended for a variety of H&S reasons)
Is it for a bet?
Is it because you're mother wants you to?

Answer: To Your knees, of course (you stupid laddie!).
It doesn't matter what the occasion, you can find a kilt style to suit AS LONG AS YOU FOLLOW KILT GOLDEN RULE NUMBER 1 - MAKE SURE IT FITS YOU!
To test whether the kilt fits you or not, when trying it on (flat bit to the front, pleats to the back, by the way), kneel down on the floor. The waistband of the kilt should hug your waist, and the cloth should just be touching the floor. Any shorter is a mini-skirt, any longer is a blanket!

Here are some examples of Kilt wearing:

Cute boy wearing a kilt.

Cute boy wearing a kilt!

Liam Neeson doing it for a film.....

Ewan McGregor (Scots actor, btw)
wearing it to accept an award for a film (probably).

Proof that the Kilt is a babe magnet - literally!
(or mebbe it's Ewan whose the magnet???)

Kilts worn casually...

Kilts worn casually....

Kilt worn casually.....
Oh no! It's a towel, but worn like a kilt!
However did that pic get in there?!

Some guys trying to look cool in kilts...
SLIGHTLY TOO LONG makes all the difference!
Good under other circumstances (phnar phnar!)
but just plain WRONG if a kilt!

Some nutter wearing a kilt for surfing (???)
(I think he's actually using the surfboard as a caber!)
(as in "tossing the caber" - for the uninitiated,
a Scottish traditional show of strength
involving throwing a length of felled tree - the caber -
usually performed at Highland Games contests,
not on a beach!)



Kilt wearing can allow for a wide range of accessories. But the one accessory to avoid when wearing a Kilt is..............underwear! The number one reason why most women the world over are attracted to a man wearing a Kilt (and he's getting a wee bit nervous with all that female attention!) is because they are wondering if the man wearing the Kilt is wearing anything else underneath! The answer to this should always be.......NO! This is KILT GOLDEN RULE NUMBER 2 - PANTS ARE PANTS ! (Scots > English "pants" = rubbish)

Some examples of Kilt accessory choice: 

How you would see a Kilt worn for an event
such as a Highland Games
(note: in a field, not on a beach!),
this time with a sword to accessorise.

Not entirely sure what I think of this one -
another example of a sword being used as
an accessory, but this time held in a
rather suggestive manner....
by a man in a pink pullover.....
Hmmmmm...I'm confused.

 Pints of beer as accessories!

No accessories!

Bagpipes as accessories!
(you can just see them if you squint, phnar phnar!)

I've heard it said that you have to be Scottish to wear a Kilt. Often, I've heard it given as a excuse not to wear the Kilt. Generally, this excuse comes from Englishmen, who are showing their pansie-ness, or young Scots guys WHO DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE MISSING OUT ON re: the babe magnetibility of the Kilt! Now, there is an ongoing debate amongst Scots, male and female alike, as to who should be allowed to wear the Kilt, the traditional garb of Scotland. Personally, I'm happy for guys of any country to wear the Kilt. As long as they wear it with a sense of pride. The one thing that kills the sexiness of a Kilt stone dead, is when the guy wearing it looks self-conscious. This tends to happen when they choose to wear pants underneath, as it just feels silly then. Go commando =  you're a MAN and you KNOW IT! KILT GOLDEN RULE NUMBER 3 - ANYONE CAN WEAR A KILT, AS LONG AS IT'S WORN WITH CONFIDENCE!

Some guy (American footballer mebbe?)
(answer in comments please!)

Samuel L. - King of Cool

Gerard Butler  (another Scots actor)

Geeky student.....

Some skinny guy, whose probably a fashion designer,
and probably French.
If he can wear it.......


Health & Safety reflective kilts...
what - are they dangerous or something?

Noooo..... that's a TENNIS SKIRT you moron!

NOOOOOOOO! (not even in fun!)

NO! Please make it STOP!

Any guy, of any shape, and any nationality can wear a kilt, as long as he follows the three golden rules:
1/. MAKE SURE IT FITS YOU! - kneelength is right, longer or shorter is wrong!
2/. PANTS ARE PANTS! - just go on an' no' wear them!
(a nice, cheeky smile helps as well!)
AND FINALLY, here's a wee joke for my blogger pals, Ilikecheese and Big Andrew.......