How To Wear A Kilt

It has recently come to my attention that some of my male readership do not believe they are capable of wearing a Kilt. I think that this is a lamentable state of affairs, as the Kilt is one of the single most sexy pieces of apparel on the face of the planet. No matter if you're Scottish or not, no matter how tall, short, stout, skinny you, or your legs are, if you know the basics of how to wear it, a Kilt will draw women to you, like flies to sheep droppings!

So, for the benefit of men the world over who don't believe they can wear one, here is my guide on how to wear a Kilt:

How To Wear A Kilt - the Definitive 3-Step Guide

The Kilt - a Brief Introduction:

The kilt is a garment that has a long, and sometimes bloody, history. It began life as a cloak-cum-blanket (History of the Kilt - Wikipedia link), worn to protect the bearer from the harsh elements, and transcended to become a symbol of freedom of the Scots from the oppression and cruel degradation suffered at the hands of the English, during a time known as "The Clearances" when the English outlawed the wearing of Tartan by the Scots in an attempt to kill the spirits of the Scots...... utterly.

Part of the reason why the Scots were so outraged by the banning of the Tartan, was that the colours and patterns of each tartan (or "plaid") were unique to each Clan (or family), as unique as the Clan their surnames. The design allowed clan members to recognise friends and foe from a distance. So the English, in banning the Tartan, and putting to death anyone who disobeyed this law, were seen as trying to take the very names, the identities, of the Scots Clans, from them (which, in fact, was exactly the idea).

[steps down from lectern......] 

Annnywaaaayyy....

(Off to a good start for a humour post, eh folks!

Keep reading - it can only get better...you hope!)

1/. STYLE & FIT 

Question: What do you want to wear it to?

Is it to a special occasion, like a wedding or a funeral?

Is it to a sporting occasion (football, rugby, basketball (??? - you never know), or an outdoor pursuit like huntin', shootin', fishin'? (NB skiing in a kilt is not recommended for a variety of H&S reasons)

Is it for a bet?

Is it because you're mother wants you to?

Answer: To Your knees, of course (you stupid laddie!).
It doesn't matter what the occasion, you can find a kilt style to suit AS LONG AS YOU FOLLOW KILT GOLDEN RULE NUMBER 1 - MAKE SURE IT FITS YOU!
To test whether the kilt fits you or not, when trying it on (flat bit to the front, pleats to the back, by the way), kneel down on the floor. The waistband of the kilt should hug your waist, and the cloth should just be touching the floor. Any shorter is a mini-skirt, any longer is a blanket!

Here are some examples of Kilt wearing:

Cute boy wearing a kilt.

Cute boy wearing a kilt!

Liam Neeson doing it for a film.....

Ewan McGregor (Scots actor, btw)
wearing it to accept an award for a film (probably).

Proof that the Kilt is a babe magnet - literally!
(or mebbe it's Ewan whose the magnet???)

Kilts worn casually...

Kilts worn casually....

Kilt worn casually.....
Oh no! It's a towel, but worn like a kilt!
However did that pic get in there?!

Some guys trying to look cool in kilts...
BUT LOOK AT THE LENGTH!!!
SLIGHTLY TOO LONG makes all the difference!
Good under other circumstances (phnar phnar!)
but just plain WRONG if a kilt!

Some nutter wearing a kilt for surfing (???)
(I think he's actually using the surfboard as a caber!)
(as in "tossing the caber" - for the uninitiated,
a Scottish traditional show of strength
involving throwing a length of felled tree - the caber -
usually performed at Highland Games contests,
not on a beach!)

2/. ACCESSORIES

 

Kilt wearing can allow for a wide range of accessories. But the one accessory to avoid when wearing a Kilt is..............underwear! The number one reason why most women the world over are attracted to a man wearing a Kilt (and he's getting a wee bit nervous with all that female attention!) is because they are wondering if the man wearing the Kilt is wearing anything else underneath! The answer to this should always be.......NO! This is KILT GOLDEN RULE NUMBER 2 - PANTS ARE PANTS ! (Scots > English "pants" = rubbish)

Some examples of Kilt accessory choice: 

How you would see a Kilt worn for an event

such as a Highland Games

(note: in a field, not on a beach!),

this time with a sword to accessorise.

Not entirely sure what I think of this one -

another example of a sword being used as

an accessory, but this time held in a

rather suggestive manner....

by a man in a pink pullover.....

Hmmmmm...I'm confused.

 Pints of beer as accessories!

No accessories!

Bagpipes as accessories!

(you can just see them if you squint, phnar phnar!)

3/. WHO CAN WEAR A KILT?

I've heard it said that you have to be Scottish to wear a Kilt. Often, I've heard it given as a excuse not to wear the Kilt. Generally, this excuse comes from Englishmen, who are showing their pansie-ness, or young Scots guys WHO DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE MISSING OUT ON re: the babe magnetibility of the Kilt! Now, there is an ongoing debate amongst Scots, male and female alike, as to who should be allowed to wear the Kilt, the traditional garb of Scotland. Personally, I'm happy for guys of any country to wear the Kilt. As long as they wear it with a sense of pride. The one thing that kills the sexiness of a Kilt stone dead, is when the guy wearing it looks self-conscious. This tends to happen when they choose to wear pants underneath, as it just feels silly then. Go commando =  you're a MAN and you KNOW IT! KILT GOLDEN RULE NUMBER 3 - ANYONE CAN WEAR A KILT, AS LONG AS IT'S WORN WITH CONFIDENCE!

Some guy (American footballer mebbe?)

(answer in comments please!)

Samuel L. - King of Cool

Gerard Butler  (another Scots actor)

Geeky student.....

Some skinny guy, whose probably a fashion designer,
and probably French.
If he can wear it.......

HERE ARE SOME EXAMPLES OF KILT "DON'TS" (WARNING: CONTAINS SOME PICS OF AN UPSETTING NATURE):

Noooo....do I really need to explain why?

Health & Safety reflective kilts...
what - are they dangerous or something?

Noooo..... that's a TENNIS SKIRT you moron!

NOOOOOOOO! (not even in fun!)

NO! Please make it STOP!

CONCLUSION:

Any guy, of any shape, and any nationality can wear a kilt, as long as he follows the three golden rules:

1/. MAKE SURE IT FITS YOU! - kneelength is right, longer or shorter is wrong!

2/. PANTS ARE PANTS! - just go on an' no' wear them!

3/. ANY GUY CAN WEAR A KILT - AS LONG AS HE DOES IT WITH CONFIDENCE!

(a nice, cheeky smile helps as well!)

AND FINALLY, here's a wee joke for my blogger pals, Ilikecheese and Big Andrew.......

The Edinburgh Festival Fringe, An Alternative View

This weekend saw the launch of the 64th Edinburgh International Festival. It's the largest festival of the arts in the world...the entire world. Ever.


It's the festival that has launched a thousand comedians, who have gone on to.... hold on just a minute - that's not the Edinburgh Festival, that's the Fringe Festival, isn't it? Or was that the Film Festival, or the Book Festival........Comedy Festival???

The Edinburgh Fringe, the Festival Fringe, the Fringe Festival.... it all becomes a blur very quickly.

Actually, it's one of my pet hates - the fact that, though the profile of "the Festival" has become much higher in the last decade or so, but the majority of people who are not residents of Edinburgh are unaware that it is, in fact, two distinctly separate Festivals.

So I'm going to treat you all to:

"The Edinburgh Festival

  My (Massively Oversimplified) Version of it's History".

A typical Edinburgh skyline during the Festival!

The Edinburgh Festival began in 1947. Everybody seems to agree on that. It was conceived as a way to promote visitors to Edinburgh, and was very snobby and posh, compiled of the "high", or classical arts (ballet, orchestra, opera, stuff like that), and was aimed at the upper classes who had the dosh to pay for expensive tickets. Fair enough.

Edinburgh International Festival - link to official site

But then some smaller theatre groups wanted in. They wanted to perform for ordinary people (What?), and sell tickets at a price that was affordable to ordinary people (What, What?), so that ordinary people could also experience the arts (What? Why?), maybe even perform the arts (WHAT?). The Festival people didn't like the idea of the great unwashed being involved in The Arts, it was an enclave exclusive to the Upper Class.

The renegade Fringe organisers (Socialists, by the sound of it!), at first tried to reason with the Festival, tried to make them see sense and include art that everybody could enjoy. But the snobs were having none of it. So, in true Scottish style, the Fringers said "Okay, stuff yer Festival - we'll start our own!". And they did.

Fringe Trailer (this year's Official promo video)

They started The Fringe as an alternative festival to the Festival. A place where all the shows that weren't highbrow enough for The Festival were welcome. A festival that was affordable to all. And the ruffians all pilled in with glee!

It depends on who you ask as to what version of the above events you'll hear. I've seen a lot of websites saying that the Fringe began a year after the Festival. That didn't sound quite right to me, it doesn't tally with either the folklore or the feeling of what I've grown up knowing the Festival and Fringe to be. Having been born and raised in Edinburgh, and having had some very personal experience of the Festival and the Fringe at the coalface, I believe I have enough first-hand experience to know of what I speak (or should it be "write"? whatever...), anyway, I'm not quite old enough to have been around to witness the origins of the Festival and Fringe. So I consulted my mum (also born and raised in Edinburgh) who is, and she said that this site offers the most accurate information of how the fringe came about.

My generation might not have been around for the start of the Fringe, but we sure enjoyed it when the Fringe got bigger, and bigger, and was eventually almost threatening to swallow the Festival whole! My memories are that the two festivals, having opposing views on the whole idea of what art is about and who it should be available to, were openly hostile to each other. It was great fun watching the two battling it out, especially when I was a teenager.

The Udderbelly - link to official site

As a child, I never dreamed of going to a performance at the Festival - it was far too expensive and far too dull. (Although my amazing Gran took me to The Edinburgh Military Tattoo, which was a fantastic, if cold, spectacle!). Walking through the centre of town on my way home from school, you could tell whether the visitors were there for the Festival or for the Fringe simply by the way they were dressed. It was the Fringe for us all the way. Fun shows - FREE shows! It was brilliant! I fondly remember going to the Wireworks Playground (an free, open air venue at the top of the Royal Mile) to see a band called "Pookiesnackenburger" who were mad, and fabulous! A few years later, I saw the original members, plus some new, exciting talent (!), during their debut performance as "Stomp!" at the Assembly Rooms. They were amazing (and if you don't know who I'm talking about, you're either dead, or living a very backwater life!)!

Royal Edinburgh Military Tattoo - link to official site

In the past decade or so, the two festivals have been behaving a lot better with each other, as an inevitable result of finding mutual benefit in cooperation, rather than opposition, in the race to catch the all mighty dollar. The result is that it's a bit less exciting for insiders and residents alike, who enjoyed the antics of the two organisations as each year they battled it to outdo each other and garner more publicity/cash.

But it's still a lot of fun, as long as you don't actually live in Edinburgh or, if you do, as long as you don't need to get anywhere in a hurry, at any time during what amounts to the occupation of Edinburgh at Festival time (three long weeks!).


If you haven't been to Edinburgh during the Festival, you can have no comprehension of the sheer scale of it, or how that affects the resident population. The whole of the centre of Edinburgh comes to a virtual standstill as it becomes a giant street party for three weeks or so.

My most extreme experience of this was when I lived in a flat at the top of the Royal Mile (the very heart of the town), just beside Edinburgh Castle (where the Military Tattoo is held during the Festival), and was working as a technician in the King's Theatre for evening performances of a Festival show (don't even remember what show it was - all a blur!), and then going along to do a 10.30pm - 7am shift on the bar at The Gilded Balloon (the first ever Fringe venue dedicated to comedy) - in it's first year of operation.

The Royal Mile on a sunny day, NOT during the festival.

The same spot DURING the Festival!

I used to open the front door at the foot of the stairs to my flat, and immediately have to "s'cuse" my way through the several thousand people waiting to get in to see the Tattoo. Then ten minute walk to the King's Theatre became 40 minutes, as I again fought my way through the hoards of tourists milling about whilst they decided what to do next. After my work at the King's was over, I'd have to make it to the Gilded Balloon (picking up a chippie or baked potato for my tea en route) in 10 minutes, an easy task under normal circumstances, but, after having to wait an extra 15 minutes in the extra long queue for my food, negotiating my way (using elbows) through even more members of the dear public (a.k.a. idiots who have no concept of even the existence of other people, let alone the fact that they might be needing to get past YOUR FAT BEHIND BLOCKING THE MIDDLE OF THE PAVEMENT)............. can you guess what happens next, readers?....that's right, I EXPLODE! B-NAG!

Walking through the streets, buying something in a shop, getting a bus, all simple, quick actions ordinarily, which become major operations requiring vast amounts of time, planning, and patience, during the Festival.

Head in a Bucket Man - a regular at the Festival

This is why Edinburgh folk complain about it, not because they don't like, or enjoy it, as such, but because ordinary life for the inhabitants of the town becomes virtually impossible.

I'm always extra happy and smug to be living in Trumpton when it's Festival time.

I'm still hugely enthusiastic about "the Festival" and it's many advantages. Although I live in the Scottish Borders, I'll always be from Edinburgh, and am tremendously proud of the city.

I am also very proud of "the Festival", and for it's reputation for excellence on the worldwide stage, for introducing and showcasing new talent in every sphere of the classical arts and the alternative/accessible (what's the opposite of the classical arts?-) /non-classical arts!

I love the fact that it's growed and growed to encompass a  Comedy Festival, Film Festival, Book Festival, Jazz & Blues Festival, the Free Fringe,......I could go on and on (what do you mean "You already have"?). Here's a site that lists them all.

I also love the fact that it showcases Edinburgh, a beautiful city nicknamed "The Athens of the North" as a compliment to it's numerous examples of stunning classical architecture. 

I also love what it does for the Scottish economy, particularly when the news this year is that, rather from suffering from the effects of the financial recession, this year's Festival is more popular than ever for the performer and tourist pound alike. 

Mostly I love the Festival because it's pretty much the biggest, and longest, party in the world! Ever! (all volumes!)


But I've been very happily avoiding Edinburgh during the Festival for several years now.

Last night I discovered that my mate, Karen (who is originally from Birmingham), has never been to the Edinburgh Festival. Tomorrow is her day off. She doesn't know Edinburgh that well. *sigh*. Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?..............!

Annywaaay, I'll leave you with my poem wot I wrote about the Festival.

Festival Time Again

Come to Edinburgh

Battle through groups

Of Mediterranean tans

And perfect teeth

Who dominate the pavements

With the confidence of ownership

Come to Edinburgh

See the first ever

Festival of Scaffolding

Which can be viewed

Cleverly displayed around

The cities primary monuments

Come to Edinburgh

Take your pick

Of deep and meaningless shows

Or works of genius

And try working out

Which is which

Come to Edinburgh

Experience sleeping on

The floorboards of

Beautifully architectured buildings

The surrealistic emotions

Of a tinned sardine

What a great

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The Highlands!

Not Jim, Rudolf!

Hello readers! Today I am presenting you with a homage of a tribute!

This post is in homage to Cheezewhizz's post Really Jim? , in  which the Cheeseman pays tribute to all those (male and female alike, presumably) who have been christened Jim (or who were christened James, but who get called "Jim" - whatever, don't care, bored now).

I've decided to title this homage "Really, Rudolf?"

So, without further ado, here is my list of Rudolf's, known and unknown, liked or not liked and, in one instance, tried in international court for War Crimes (can you guess which one?).

Really, Rudolf?

Rudolf Nureyev

Arguably the best male dancer of all time.
Defected from the Soviet Union, despite KGB efforts to stop him.


Click here for bonus link (go on - you'll enjoy it!).

Rudolf Steiner

Philosopher, founder of the Steiner/Waldorf education system,
and pioneer of Anthroposophy (which is a very difficult word to say) .



Click here for bonus link.

Rudolf Hess

Adolf Hitler's BFF.

(Apprehended in Scotland, by the way.)

Click here for bonus link.

Rudolf Diesel

Inventor of the Diesel Engine, which he originally designed to

run on Bio fuel. Like Henry Ford (who designed his

Ford cars to be made from hemp, and run on hemp fuel),

Diesel was one of the foremost proponents of what we would now

call "the Green Movement" in the early 20th century.

How ironic, huh?

(watch an good vid about it here).

Click here for bonus link.

Rudolph Valentino

God of the Silver Screen.
The very first ever Sex Symbol produced by the movie industry


Click here for bonus link.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Santa's No9 reindeer.
(wot? - too early or too tenuous?)


Click here for surprise link (WARNING it's a bit cruel!).

And so folks, that brings my homage to a tribute to a close!

I hope you enjoyed it, and will look out for the next in this series "Not all Quentins are Queer".

And remember folks - Imitation is the most sincere form of Flattery!

Material Girl

Not all that long ago, someone told me that they were "not a materialistic person". This statement set-off a discussion in my head (I'm a Gemini, and we often have discussions, and arguments with ourselves, in our heads. And yes, I'm fully aware that there are prescription medicines that would prevent this happening!!!).


I know that I'm not a materialistic person, as a rule. Not in a "materialistic things matter" way.

The Phantom Ice Cream Van

There's a mystery afoot in Trumpton. To be fair, there usually is some kind of mystery going on in Trumpton, but it's generally resolved within a day or two. This mystery has been going on for several years now. It's very, how to describe it............ mysterious!

It first began when I lived in my last flat. It was a lovely flat, with a very helpful kitchen, unlike the kitchen I have now (see Tablet Trials post).

Top Gear

My blog production team and I had a brainstorming meeting today. When I say a brainstorming meeting, I mean video conference interlink, of course, as I was in my penthouse suite (as per usual), my contributing editor, Kizzmyartz, is permanently located in the Nether Regions (phnar! as LL would say!), and my technical consultant, Stewart, is off having fun in a villa in France which was once owned by The Rolling Stones (I'm so jealous - *sob*!). So we hyper-linked. Inter-netted.

OMG! I've Just become an Ordained Priest!

OMG! I've just become an Ordained Priest of the Church of the Latter-Day Dudes! Coo-el!

I can't believe it! I've wanted to do this since...ohhh...let me think....since I saw it on some random guy's site earlier this evening! Isn't the Internet just the coolest??? I'm beginning to worry that I'm getting an online American accent. Bovered? Me? Ahm ah bovered? (Think that's sorted it!)

Anyway, back to ME BECOMING A DUDEIST PRIEST!

I got a certificate an everything! - it's embossed!

I've even got a new link badge on the site (did you notice it?)

Isn't it brilliant when you have days where you end up doing something that you had absolutely no clue about when you woke up? Doesn't it add a bit of mystery to life? 

Come to think of it, most days are like that for me.

My whole life is a mystery.

JUST AS WELL I'M AN ORDAINED PRIEST THEN, ISN'T IT? I can go and meditate/chill, and ask myself deep and meaningless questions. 

Of course, I could do that before (and did), but it wasn't the same. Now that I'm a priest, I can do it professionally, as it were.

PLUS - according to the Church of the Latter-Day Dudes website, I can now officiate over weddings in certain states! How cool is THAT!? Of course, this is an American-based site (again, of course!), so I reckon I'll have a bit of a hunt to find anywhere in Britain that will recognise my newly acquired Dudeist Priest credentials. But, hey! who cares? I've never been a priest before! 

As Dudeism is based on the teachings of "The Dude" in the film "The Big Lebowski", (very loosely, and I stress, very loosely, combined with the basic ideals of Buddhism and Taoism) I think that the official garb of my new priest status is a bathrobe. That's cool. Can do. And that the main teachings of my new found religion are "Take it easy, man". Also, fine by me.

I reckon my next task will be to establish my own country online, specifically so that I can nominate Dudeism as the Official Religion, and bathrobes as the official National costume. Excellent!

World domination draws ever nearer!


Watch this space.....! (it doesn't do anything, except give you something to focus on)......



(seriously, you can stop now)

(really - you're beginning to freak me out a bit, man)